I've been meaning to update the blog for weeks - it's been almost a month since my last post. That's crazy to me. Time is flying by.
When I started this blog a few months ago, it was to document the healthy rhythms I was trying to create in my life. I was doing pretty well for a while. Then summer came. Then I decided to start looking for a new job. Then I found a new job, left my old one, moved, and have basically been sick since the second week that school started. So healthy rhythms feel a little bit like a joke right now. There was one week about two weeks ago I was starting to do pretty well - I went to the gym three times, I was conscious of eating healthy, my room was coming together. Then I got sick again. And I'm still sick. I'm mad at myself for not going to the doctor. I thought about going to urgent care today but I found out my co-pay would be $75 and I'm not shelling out $75 for a cold that won't go away. So I'll be a hermit this weekend and go to the doctor Monday.
Anyway, all that to say, these last few months are not exactly what I hoped they would be. I feel a little bit like I'm just trying to keep my head above the water. I'm also trying to walk in grace. I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with Jesus these past couple of months, and I realized something: For the first time in about 5-7 years, or maybe ever, I don't have external pressure to have a strong relationship with Jesus. In high school, I went to a Christian school, I was very involved in youth group and led worship - my status as a Jesus Follower was probably my main identity. After my freshman year of college, I did summer staff for two summers, and got involved in Ichthus, eventually becoming a life group leader. It was important for me to keep my relationship with Jesus strong so that I could be a good leader and be able to be authentic. After I graduated, I became a youth pastor. If I didn't have a strong relationship with Jesus, I knew I couldn't minister to the kids, or at least it wouldn't be sustainable. But now, there isn't a clear external pressure forcing me to be in relationship with Him. I don't have someone asking me every week what God is teaching me. It's weird. But I think it's good for me. I have to figure out how to let the motivation to stay "connected to the vine" come from my own desire to love and glorify God instead of doing it for the sake of other people or to maintain some sort of image.
I don't really know how I'm doing so far. I don't want to try to measure it at this point. If I was measuring by the number of "quiet times" I've had, I'd be doing very poorly. If I was measuring it by how connected to God I feel, it'd be decent but not great. If I was measuring it by my commitment to not give up, I'd be doing pretty well. I've been thinking a lot about John 6 when Jesus asks the disciples if He wants to leave them and Peter says, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life..." If I had to sum of my relationship with Jesus in one sentence, it would be this. I have a lot of questions and not very many answers. I have doubts. But I also know there isn't another answer. Jesus is the answer, to everything. And so I am resting in His grace, and saying to him when He asks me if I'm giving up, "Jesus, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life..."
Peace,
Emily
